OK, let me start off by saying this baby is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women) who are well versed in the deadly art of Turbo Buicks. Friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Buick would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly. It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you've had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what Mustangs are for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree black (air) belts from the mean streets of Detroit to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like cup holders (real men don't drink tea). No, this brute comes with the things that testosterone-fueled action junkies need. It has an oil sweating, shape charge proof, RPE built 600 HP engine that’s frequently used to outrun the cops. A 200 4R trans built by the demigod Lonnie Diers that shifts faster and harder than Chuck Norris’s b!tch slap. It's got a special blood/gore resistant chrome alloy caged interior. With this specially designed roll cage you still have room for you and the three hotties that you picked up on the way to the gym. To make sure those hotties stay cool between the thighs this car retains its factory AC unit. And because the ladies also love wheelies I just put on a brand new set of M&H drag radials in the rear (they are the stickiest of the sticky) and a set of Goodyear Eagle GTs in the front. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself.
The price on this car (that Darth Vader used to out run the Millennium Falcon) is an incredibly low $13,000, but I will entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me it’s not pretty enough for you so you'll give me $9,987 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore. There is only 120,000 mi on this in-destructible four-wheeled hellcat. But in-destructible wasn't tough enough for me…so I had it built (5000 mi or less ago) to the “immortal” level that only Cotton’s Performance can achieve (see sig for mod list). Trust me; it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. However if you want to test Einstein’s theory of relativity or set a land speed record or maybe just take on a Bugatti, you will need to fine tune this technological marvel in order to reach it’s max potential.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Bruce Willis stunt double, then contact me via PM. I might be out experimenting with explosives or sword fighting, but I'll get back to you.
P.S. Only because I’m such a nice guy, I’ll sweeten the deal with a Hartline fiberglass hood, some used MT ET streets with tubes (these tires are even stickier than the icky) and a GNX dash (minus the speedo).
P.P.S My lawyer has advised me to clear a few things up.
[*]First off the engineers that designed the Turbo Buick have never been bestowed with the title of “3rd degree black air belt”. I just made that sh!t up.
[*]By “oil sweating” I really mean it leaks a few drops of oil.
[*]A RPE built 109 will not withstand an explosive shape charge. (although I've heard the StageII will).
[*]I never have or will I ever in the future use my superior vehicle to evade the police.
[*]Although I fully believe it to be true, there are certain religious groups that will dispute Lonnie Diers status as a demigod.
[*]Speed and ft lbs measurements have never actually been recorded for Chuck Norris’s b!tch slap. So to compare an EA 200 4R with such would be pure speculation.
[*]There is no scientific proof that women are attracted to wheelies…or is there any documented proof that this car will actually do a wheelie. I just used my imagination on that one.
[*]According to George Lucas, Darth Vader never out ran the Millennium Falcon or has he ever owned this car.
[*]Lowball offer will under no circumstance be met with violence of any kind.
[*]In lieu of the words “in-destructible” and “immortal” please insert the phrases “sold as is” and “no warranty”.
Can't build it for that
