Divorce sucks

[madhat]

Well, my wife came clean two mornings ago about an affair she was having and that it was over. She "found God" about eight months ago and started an affair in Sept. All that I cared about was my 3 year old son and to my suprize wasnt even phased by that - I immediatly asked for counseling. She refused and is dead set on divorce. We have not been doing well for well over a year now, but it still isnt what I wanted. I found out yesterday that my family and friends all knew and just couldnt find a way to tell me...I think it was best coming from her anyway, but still....Turns out even though I trusted her after she came clean, she still lied - my sister had know for a year and a half that she cheated with another guy, who dumped her I never thought I would be in this situation. I know its better now after 5 years that 50, but it is still the worst thing ever. I did get a crass little stab in there : "So, does he actually LIKE to look at your droopy and sagging bits?" Ouch. Other than that remark, I have been over the top forgiving of her and have been probably too nice. When I heard about the 1st guy, I was so pissed and went to take our son away from her, but I saw her face and softened...I cant do that to her - I love her too much...and sadly, I still trust her dispite all of this, yes it has been shaken, but I think that there is still more trust there than there should be. I have spent the last few days talking to friends and aquaintences about their divorces and what not...not to sound braggy, but I am as far as 1 week to 5 years ahead of some of the people tha tI talked to as far as mental status is concerned. If I learned one thing from this marraige, its that I do love her ( I did question it occasionally, but never to cheat) I know what needs to be done and what is most likely beneficiall to the situation, but my heart still wont let go - I would take her back if she asked. Its stupid I know, but I still love her and want to make it work for us and our son. She is far from teh perfect woman and i knew it when I married her. I am going to use this no matter the outcome to better myself and fix the difficencies I have as a person (even if my friends dont think I have much to fix) I am going to meet with her friends and apologize for the way I soemtimes treated them. I am going to talk to her boyfirend to find out what kind of person can make her cheat onme. Dont worry, I wont hit him - I have never been agry enough to do that and I am better than that. And she knows it. She knew what life she was giving up and yet she still did it, why? I am going on a soul searching trip this weekend down to Dallas to see me best friend and father (yes they hav eboth known for a while but didnt know how to say). When I come back, hopefully I will have my head clear and will make the best choices possible. After seeing her face last night, I los tmy will to take full custody - I am looking at giving her visitation rights, but I would probably do full joint custody right now...I am soo weak and love her and my son too much. I questioned her right to seee her son, but she showed me that it is really important to her - I questioned it a lot of times - I threatend to never let her see him and she still refused counseling (later told me that she knew I would never do that so she want afraid anyway).

Long Story Short: my wife twice cheated on me and I still love her and want her back even as she leaves me. I havent decided about custody yet, but most likly joint will be the answer I come to.

 

[klrv6]

That sucks..

Say good-bye and let the next guy worry about her mistakes. If she did it once, she can do it again. There are plenty of honest women out in this world that want nothing more than a real man to love them. Good luck in your search.

Props to you for keeping your son as a priority.

 

[bgndobe]

Wow Madhat, I feel for you man. We all think it will be the "other" guy who ends up getting a divorce, not us. You're very fortunate you've got your priorities straight....your son. Otherwise it would be very messy.
I see your young still, and were married at a young age. You'll find someone who will respect you, no doubt. The pain will go away. Probably for the best anyway. Sounds like she may not be "the one" for you. You'd always be wondering what she was doing...and eventually get resentful....and angry / mean with everyone around you (son included).
Sounds like the divorce is for the best in the long run. You probably don't think so now, but you will later in life.
Good luck with everything.

 

[Danster]

The way I see it, your too nice! And she knows it and probably knows all she has to do is look at you with some puppy eyes for you to forgive her.

Sometimes they need to know your pissed, so kick her out or leave. Then she can realize she screwed up and will try to work things or move on which would benefit you either way.

Don't do this to yourself! Trust me it's not worth it. :frown:

May god be on your side!

Dannyo

 

[chrisgarrett]

I don't mean to be a wise-ass or try to sound insensitve. I went through a really difficult divorce too. But I have to ask: Why on earth would you want a woman back who has cheated on you, broken the bond of trust and disrepected you? Love is a two way thing. If someone has done this to you, they do not love you. You can never trust her again. Maybe it's your forgiving nature that made her lose respect for you in the first place.
Sorry if I offended you, but that's how I see it. Joint custody is fine, but make sure you are the custodial parent or your child will have a new daddy.
Be strong and move on. She will only respect you even less if you don't.

 

[faster]

I've seen that movie too back in 1986 when my first wife called me from her boyfriends bed to tell me she wasn't coming home and could I bring her, her stuff. Please understand there never was any physical or verbal abuse by either of us before that phone call and none after. She said she just wanted to be free to experience others! She met some guy 10 years her junior in one of her college courses (she went back to school to get her BA) and that was that.

The pain and depression eventually subsides but the hurt doesn't. Stay strong for your son and be sweet to him because he will never understand this until he is an adult and never talk bad about his mom in front of him because it will only make you look bad too.

There is nothing I or anyone can say that will make you feel better except know there are some here who can relate and will talk to you anytime.
Send me PM if you want phone number of someone to talk to.

Mikey

 

[Fakeyankee]

If you still have feelings for her, try a seperation for awhile. This will let you have time to figure things out for yourself at the same time really seeing what she is all about !

 

[alittlev6]

Well, my wife came clean two mornings ago about an affair she was having and that it was over. She "found God" about eight months ago and started an affair in Sept. All that I cared about was my 3 year old son and to my suprize wasnt even phased by that - I immediatly asked for counseling. She refused and is dead set on divorce. We have not been doing well for well over a year now, but it still isnt what I wanted. I found out yesterday that my family and friends all knew and just couldnt find a way to tell me...I think it was best coming from her anyway, but still....Turns out even though I trusted her after she came clean, she still lied - my sister had know for a year and a half that she cheated with another guy, who dumped her I never thought I would be in this situation. I know its better now after 5 years that 50, but it is still the worst thing ever. I did get a crass little stab in there : "So, does he actually LIKE to look at your droopy and sagging bits?" Ouch. Other than that remark, I have been over the top forgiving of her and have been probably too nice. When I heard about the 1st guy, I was so pissed and went to take our son away from her, but I saw her face and softened...I cant do that to her - I love her too much...and sadly, I still trust her dispite all of this, yes it has been shaken, but I think that there is still more trust there than there should be. I have spent the last few days talking to friends and aquaintences about their divorces and what not...not to sound braggy, but I am as far as 1 week to 5 years ahead of some of the people tha tI talked to as far as mental status is concerned. If I learned one thing from this marraige, its that I do love her ( I did question it occasionally, but never to cheat) I know what needs to be done and what is most likely beneficiall to the situation, but my heart still wont let go - I would take her back if she asked. Its stupid I know, but I still love her and want to make it work for us and our son. She is far from teh perfect woman and i knew it when I married her. I am going to use this no matter the outcome to better myself and fix the difficencies I have as a person (even if my friends dont think I have much to fix) I am going to meet with her friends and apologize for the way I soemtimes treated them. I am going to talk to her boyfirend to find out what kind of person can make her cheat onme. Dont worry, I wont hit him - I have never been agry enough to do that and I am better than that. And she knows it. She knew what life she was giving up and yet she still did it, why? I am going on a soul searching trip this weekend down to Dallas to see me best friend and father (yes they hav eboth known for a while but didnt know how to say). When I come back, hopefully I will have my head clear and will make the best choices possible. After seeing her face last night, I los tmy will to take full custody - I am looking at giving her visitation rights, but I would probably do full joint custody right now...I am soo weak and love her and my son too much. I questioned her right to seee her son, but she showed me that it is really important to her - I questioned it a lot of times - I threatend to never let her see him and she still refused counseling (later told me that she knew I would never do that so she want afraid anyway).

Long Story Short: my wife twice cheated on me and I still love her and want her back even as she leaves me. I havent decided about custody yet, but most likly joint will be the answer I come to.

i can gaurantee she is around her early 20's, correct? (hence your age). Let it go ,take care of your boy, and eventually someone will appreciate you

 

[The Blob]

Long Story Short: my wife twice cheated on me and I still love her and want her back even as she leaves me. I havent decided about custody yet, but most likly joint will be the answer I come to.

Want her back?

Don't be a sap... and don't think you're in charge of anything, because you're not.

Reality check:
The custody decision is not yours. Unless she's a drug crazed lunatic, if she decides she wants custody she's going to get it and the best you can hope for from a judge is some shared custody agreement which will favor her.

Then there's child support, division of assets, etc.

Just because so far she hasn't decided to squeeze, don't think she doesn't have you by the nuts.

 

[Agent86]

What a messed up situation you have there with your wife- please do get the courage to leave her, as she sounds like shes completely screwed up in the head.

If she cheated twice, it's almost a no brainer. She's lost complete respect for you, and the sanctity of marriage, and she'll run away again, like a dog who can't seem to find their way home.

I hope and pray you find peace brother. Best wishes to you, and please realize that there's good women out there that won't do this to you. I know it's really hard for you, but reach out to friends, and maybe your local minister, pastor or counselor.

 

[GNTIM]

Let it go dude. One of the hardest decisions I have ever made was to divorce my ex-wife. I was scared out of my mind but it get easier as time goes on. If she fooled around twice that means really bad things, I have known people get through one affair. Single fathers are kind of chick magnents, really. Not to judge your family or friends but that is really effed up they kept that from you. You are young, 10 years from now you will laugh about it with your new and sane wife. Have a nice day.:smile:

 

[chrisgarrett]

I've seen that movie too back in 1986 when my first wife called me from her boyfriends bed to tell me she wasn't coming home and could I bring her, her stuff. Please understand there never was any physical or verbal abuse by either of us before that phone call and none after. She said she just wanted to be free to experience others! She met some guy 10 years her junior in one of her college courses (she went back to school to get her BA) and that was that.

The pain and depression eventually subsides but the hurt doesn't. Stay strong for your son and be sweet to him because he will never understand this until he is an adult and never talk bad about his mom in front of him because it will only make you look bad too.

There is nothing I or anyone can say that will make you feel better except know there are some here who can relate and will talk to you anytime.
Send me PM if you want phone number of someone to talk to.

Mikey

This is very good advice, especially about never saying anything bad about mom. That is his only mom and he will always love her. Never ever say anything negative about her no matter how you feel.

 

[GNflyby]

Your a better man then I am! Once, I could see forgiving, and even that would be difficult for me. But twice!?! No way man! I wouldn't be able to ever trust her again, why would I want to live with someone I can't trust!?! That's like moving a burglar into your home and hoping you don't get robbed, it just makes no sense! Take care of your son and dump her, and give her nothing, I would use any evidence you may have about the affair to kick her ass in court! I hope everything works out for you, you sound like a nice person.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[madhat]

Thank you for the replies - honestly, deep down I've known since she told me that I dont want her back, but my heart isnt ready to let go. She moved in with her parents the same day she told me. I know that it is rreeeeeaaaaallllyyyy hard for the father to gain custody if the woman fights. I've also joked about the single dad with a child comment already . We were young and we really got married becasue of our child. She did have some reservations about the marriage because she wasnt ready to grow up, but she never said no. I dont believe in "the one" but I did think that we were right for eachother. I think with time, I will get this worked out and force my heart to realize that I am better off and things will be better this way - my mind knows this already. I'm scared of what will happen in the future and, sadly, what will happen to her. She doesnt want to go to court over this, but i think that she will if I dont do the joint custody where he lives at both homes. Everyone wants me to get joint custody where he lives with me and she has visitation rights. I know that if I cave she will see that as weakness and probably take advantage on other things too, but it is soo hard - I am going to get away from town adn go spend the weekend with my father and best friend down in Dallas.

 

[RobsIron]

Life is too short to reconcile and then spend your time 'wondering' what she is doing.

Move On.

Do not let another individual dictate how you will live your life. The trust is broken. Its only downhill for you now.

Move On.

The most precious thing we humans have is time. Stop wasting it on a cheat.

Move On.

 

[malibuick231]

I agree with faster about your son but keep your self in mind and get a good lawyer it will be worth the money. Also get joint custody so you have rights to your son in every way if you are not able to get full custody. The way it sound to me if you fight for him you may get him.

 

[QuickBuick87]

Wow Madhat, I feel for you man. We all think it will be the "other" guy who ends up getting a divorce, not us. You're very fortunate you've got your priorities straight....your son. Otherwise it would be very messy.
I see your young still, and were married at a young age. You'll find someone who will respect you, no doubt. The pain will go away. Probably for the best anyway. Sounds like she may not be "the one" for you. You'd always be wondering what she was doing...and eventually get resentful....and angry / mean with everyone around you (son included).
Sounds like the divorce is for the best in the long run. You probably don't think so now, but you will later in life.
Good luck with everything.

Damn.....couldn't have said it better myself.

Ken B.

 

[madhat]

I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts and help in this - I know divorce is the best in the long run - I even told her that (shocked her too) but right now, I still jsut havent come to terms with it - its hard to hear what you know is right but dont want to hear.

 

[SouthernCal GN]

Been there, brother- only my ex chose career over family. In a nutshell, she stated that she didn't want to be a wife or mom anymore, and she'd sign the decree giving me total custody.

14 years later, I have a great son that understands his mom isn't all there, and, for the most part, all is well.

As for that career she left us for? Well, 4 years after she signed on the decree, the U.S. Navy kicked her out after 16 years' service.

The reason? "Mentally unfit for duty."

My advice- focus on your next move, enjoy the time in Dallas, and move on.

No pity parties.

 

[GNflyby]

I really feel for you, one minute your living your life with your family and the next thing you know it blows up in your face! It's hard to just turn off your feelings for her and the life you both shared. But it's obvious she doesn't feel the same way, and trust me I know, it hurts like hell, and you start to question yourself, what did I do wrong!?! I went through the same thing before I met my wife, and it's hard to come to terms when you have your feelings involved. I always believe that out of bad sometimes comes good, maybe the right person is out there for you, and this had to happen in order for you two to meet. Stranger things have happened. Again good luck brother!!!