J
JCotton
Guest
JD,
It's Sunday morn, I've been awake and up since 5:30am, typical morning for me and at the moment I'm filled with gratitude, I attended an AA meeting last nite. I've had an awful lot of mornings like that for the last 16 years. Prior to that I had a lot of mornings that were exactly the opposite, first on the weekends then during the week. I've worked hard all my life and figured that what I did on my free time was OK. In reallity, just showing up to work really wasn't good enough, being a husband, a father, a son, a friend, or anything else just didn't feel right. When I was using, I felt like I wasn't being or doing as well as I should have, I wasn't always the father, husband, the son or worker that I thought I should or was capable of being. I used to "quit", "go on the wagon", "substitute" or hang with guys that were worse than me. I had an excuse for everything that was wrong in my life, the bottom line was I just didn't feel right inside. I drank to not feel what I was feeling. I drank to feel more of what I was feeling. In other words I drank when my team lost, I drank when my team won. I drank to make a good time better........ and a bad time go away. I just didn't know. The last thing I wanted to be was an alcoholic, funny thing today..... it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not ashamed of it, not proud either, but I'm proud of what I have been able to do when I was finally able to come to terms with the facts. Normal people don't have to "control" their drinking.
Why did my life change? Because I stumbled into AA, and hung on long enough to get it. I owe everything in life that is good, to AA. But the bottom line, I realized after about 6 months of AA, that I wasn't a weak person, or a bad person, just a sick person trying to get better. The beauty of the moment I realized that was that I was standing in my kitchen with an old party friend, as he was consoling me, telling me how I should be able to "safely" drink again soon, I had a spiritual awakening. It suddenly came to me, " I really didn't want to drink again" and I "made the decision not to drink, just for today, one day at a time" I liked not waking up with a hangover, I liked being able to be a father to my children, being a son and brother to my family, a productive member of society. Why would I want to drink again, when in reality, for me, I drank for all the wrong reasons and I was constantly finding myself in places and situations I really didn't want to be in. Another funny thing, I haved been in a bar room fight in 16 years!!! I don't have to drink to fit in anymore.
Is my life perfect today, heck no. I still have problems like everyone else, I make mistakes. I fall short of my expectations for myself, but I keep trying to do the best I can in all areas of my life. I'm still making mistakes, but I try to fix a problem when I identify it. I'm skipping BG this year, because I'm just not ready and I just don't have the money. Instead, I'm staying home and working, trying to get my **** together, because I'm just not happy with the way business has gone the last several years. I learned in sobriety that if something isn't working in my life, something has to change. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results is what I learned to be the real definition of insanity. Just like I learned when I got sober, unless I stay sober, I can't help anyone or at that time, be a father to my boys, which was the most important part of my life, if I want to continue doing what I love, I need to make changes. Today, 16 years later, I am still making changes to survive, to continue to be a part of the turbo buick community. I didn't just get sober and life instantly got better, I've had to scrap and scratch to get here and scrap and scratch to stay here.
Sorry to be rambling here, but it has been a long time since I've shared much about myself, there is much I could say, I haven't been very active in my program lately, don't go to very many meetings anymore, but this is how it works for me. If there is anything I can share with you or anyone else that thinks they may have a problem with alcohol, feel free to contact me anytime. I don't have all the answers, but I'm not afraid to share my experiences. One more thing, AA is an anonymous program, what is said in privacy and confidentially is kept that way. I have chose to say these things publicly in hopes that I may be able to help someone that may indentify with my story. If I have appalled or insulted anyone, I am sorry, I just don't have anything to hide today, I am who I am, my past is just that......... my past. One Day at a Time, my future appears.
It's Sunday morn, I've been awake and up since 5:30am, typical morning for me and at the moment I'm filled with gratitude, I attended an AA meeting last nite. I've had an awful lot of mornings like that for the last 16 years. Prior to that I had a lot of mornings that were exactly the opposite, first on the weekends then during the week. I've worked hard all my life and figured that what I did on my free time was OK. In reallity, just showing up to work really wasn't good enough, being a husband, a father, a son, a friend, or anything else just didn't feel right. When I was using, I felt like I wasn't being or doing as well as I should have, I wasn't always the father, husband, the son or worker that I thought I should or was capable of being. I used to "quit", "go on the wagon", "substitute" or hang with guys that were worse than me. I had an excuse for everything that was wrong in my life, the bottom line was I just didn't feel right inside. I drank to not feel what I was feeling. I drank to feel more of what I was feeling. In other words I drank when my team lost, I drank when my team won. I drank to make a good time better........ and a bad time go away. I just didn't know. The last thing I wanted to be was an alcoholic, funny thing today..... it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not ashamed of it, not proud either, but I'm proud of what I have been able to do when I was finally able to come to terms with the facts. Normal people don't have to "control" their drinking.
Why did my life change? Because I stumbled into AA, and hung on long enough to get it. I owe everything in life that is good, to AA. But the bottom line, I realized after about 6 months of AA, that I wasn't a weak person, or a bad person, just a sick person trying to get better. The beauty of the moment I realized that was that I was standing in my kitchen with an old party friend, as he was consoling me, telling me how I should be able to "safely" drink again soon, I had a spiritual awakening. It suddenly came to me, " I really didn't want to drink again" and I "made the decision not to drink, just for today, one day at a time" I liked not waking up with a hangover, I liked being able to be a father to my children, being a son and brother to my family, a productive member of society. Why would I want to drink again, when in reality, for me, I drank for all the wrong reasons and I was constantly finding myself in places and situations I really didn't want to be in. Another funny thing, I haved been in a bar room fight in 16 years!!! I don't have to drink to fit in anymore.
Is my life perfect today, heck no. I still have problems like everyone else, I make mistakes. I fall short of my expectations for myself, but I keep trying to do the best I can in all areas of my life. I'm still making mistakes, but I try to fix a problem when I identify it. I'm skipping BG this year, because I'm just not ready and I just don't have the money. Instead, I'm staying home and working, trying to get my **** together, because I'm just not happy with the way business has gone the last several years. I learned in sobriety that if something isn't working in my life, something has to change. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results is what I learned to be the real definition of insanity. Just like I learned when I got sober, unless I stay sober, I can't help anyone or at that time, be a father to my boys, which was the most important part of my life, if I want to continue doing what I love, I need to make changes. Today, 16 years later, I am still making changes to survive, to continue to be a part of the turbo buick community. I didn't just get sober and life instantly got better, I've had to scrap and scratch to get here and scrap and scratch to stay here.
Sorry to be rambling here, but it has been a long time since I've shared much about myself, there is much I could say, I haven't been very active in my program lately, don't go to very many meetings anymore, but this is how it works for me. If there is anything I can share with you or anyone else that thinks they may have a problem with alcohol, feel free to contact me anytime. I don't have all the answers, but I'm not afraid to share my experiences. One more thing, AA is an anonymous program, what is said in privacy and confidentially is kept that way. I have chose to say these things publicly in hopes that I may be able to help someone that may indentify with my story. If I have appalled or insulted anyone, I am sorry, I just don't have anything to hide today, I am who I am, my past is just that......... my past. One Day at a Time, my future appears.
It was extremely tough yesterday about 5 oclock when I usually crack the first beer on a Saturday, but i just stayed busy and tried to think/do otherthings. I believe when my wife gets home today, that will be a great Mothers Day present, telling her I am giving up the alcohol.
